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WEEKEND TELEGRAPH -26.4.03
An old friend of mine used to say that 'Abroad' was bloody and that he
could see enough bad farming in England without going abroad to see
worse. Cuba would do nothing to change his convictions. Not to put
too fine a point on it - Cuba is a disaster that has already happened
whilst it waits for the next one that is certainly, just round the
corner. For those of you who have not picked up an Atlas since it was
mostly coloured red, Cuba is an Island roughly 1,000 miles long, which
is washed by the Caribbean on one side and pounded by the Atlantic
on the other. It is populated by some of the most charming and friendly
people you will ever meet who are regulated by several different types
of Police and Fidel Castro. Many westerners think that Castro is a
cuddly old uncle figure who is disliked by the Yanks. You might rethink
the cuddly bit when I tell you that a popular prison punishment is
to cut a small slit in the scrotum and fill it up with No 6 shot. In
spite of the fact that Cuba is one of the most naturally fertile countries,
so fertile that the fence posts sprout saplings, much of the fertile
eastern plain is waste and most of the inhabitants are teetering on
the brink of starvation. Rice and beans are the staple diet and most
Cubans never taste meat. Everything is state property and should one
of the scrawny
cattle die, the carcase is taken by the state, except and unless the beast
happens to be run over by a train. As there is only one railway line, such
an accident requires considerable ingenuity on the part of the hungry peasantry.
The maximum permitted wage is 15 dollars US per month - even Fidel is supposed
to exist on that (Ha! Ha!) And many of Cuba's highly qualified doctors,
dentists and nurses exist by taking second jobs as taxi drivers and waiters.
Waiters have the perk of taking home tourist leftovers to feed their families.
All of this makes tourism one of the major export industries and Cuba an
attractive and cheap place to visit. The other attraction is Cigars. Cigar
manufacture is highly skilled and the myth of them being rolled on the
soft thighs of Cuban maidens is just that - a myth. Not the soft thighs
which are there in abundance, but the rolling which is done on wooden benches,
by hand. Both cigars and maidens are available at very easy prices on the
black market, or so I am told, but don't get caught - the secret police
work hard for their $15. I went to Cuba this time with the Boisdale Jazz
and Cigar club. Boisdale is an excellent Scottish restaurant in Eccleston
Street. It is run by the Younger of Clan Ranald, who is an acknowledged
master of meat, cigars, Cuban jazz and Cuban Red Tape. We travelled in
great comfort in a modern air conditioned bus, equipped with a seemingly
bottomless supply of cigars and good wines plus an excellent guide / fixer
(a must) crossing the mountain spine to the Caribbean and ate a lot of
an excellent fish called Snapper - not unlike cod. I wandered ancient darkened
streets (electricity is eccentric) in search of sandals and got a pedicure
and manicure thrown in for $5. A jolly old lady made it plain that other
services were available for the same price. At no time in my nocturnal
wanderings did I feel at all threatened except in a city we stayed at on
the way back, where the vibes were definitely bad. The place was crawling
with police 'Special Brigades'in spite of which one of the party had her
bag snatched. I wonder what will happen to Cuba? It could be a semi tropical
paradise where you only have to stick it in the ground and it grows. In
thid respect the peasants fare better than townspeople. They have their
own plots and are allowed to own their own houses - the only people in
Cuba who have that right and I had a glimpse of some superb looking fighting
cocks. Castro has always been very careful in his handling of country people.
He knows from his own experience that rebellions usually start in the Countryside.
He should share his wisdom with Comrade Tony.
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